Who
would you like to see erased from public life? Or - even better - who from public
life would you
like to see erased? Well, I've got a fair old list and limited funds, but I'd
definitely offer up a clean,
crisp new fiver to anyone who terminates one of these suckers with extreme prejudice.
Of course, in real life it'd have to be five shiny new £1 coins. Fivers are in short supply these days.
So, out goes a call to all hitmen, hoodlums and impoverished psychopaths. Please rub out:
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Target: Britney Spears |
Britney
Spears gunned down in mall Sports casual clothing industry goes into mourning Nice fantasy headline, huh? Not 'Priceless', love. Worthless. |
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Target: Norman Kember |
Now that he's home and safe, we feel we have to ask: Norman, what the hell did you think you were doing in Iraq in the first place? Far more trouble than he's worth. (Moore, Jim and Mary F)
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Target: Esther Rantzen |
A shrill buck-toothed has-been. Let's just make CERTAIN she never gets back on telly again. (My words; nominated by Jim F)
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Target: Noel Edmonds |
Actually, Noel, no we HAVEN'T forgiven you for Mr Blobby yet. You'd better hope that suitcase is bulletproof. (My words; nominated by Jim F)
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Target: Demi Moore |
Can someone tell me why this woman is in the public eye to start with? For shagging Bruce Willis? Well apart from that, she's a talent-free zone, too muscular to be sexy, arrogant and irritating. Get rid of her.
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Targets: Paul and Heather McCartney |
A two-for-one offer. Both are boring, pious, and incredibly self-important. And Paul just WILL NOT STOP bringing out new records, no matter how heavily we all hint. I reckon some seal hunter could get the two of them with one shot, and we could all give a huge collective sigh of relief. (My words; nominated by Jim F) |
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Target: Sharon Stone |
Basic Instinct 2? Oh, please. Put 'em away, love.
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Target: Ruby Wax |
Teeth too big. Arse too big. Voice too loud. Brain too small. (Moore F)
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Target: George Galloway |
We admired the amusing and thoroughly British way in which he stood up for himself against the US Senate enquiry. But he threw it all away on Big Brother. What a twat. (Gary M)
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Target: Chris Eubank |
Somebody, please, run him over when he's out on his Harley. Preferably with a lorry. Thanks. (Stef H)
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Target: Diane Abbott |
Even she thinks she's a hypocrite. What she doesn't know is, she's not really that clever or insightful either. (Moore F)
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Target: Delia Smith |
Smug bitch. Her muffin recipe doesn't work. And far too much zest in everything. 45 minutes at Gas Mark 6 should do the job nicely. (Stef H and Rani C)
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Target: The entire BNP |
Dressing up as serious political debate that which is actually mindless thugishness and testosterone-fuelled racism. And now they've got a record label. A national embarrassment. Wankers.
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Target: Jodie Marsh |
She's both ugly and stupid, and takes up valuable column inches and airtime which could much better be filled with images of, ooh, shall we say Jaime Murray?
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Target: George W Bush |
For obvious reasons. Watch out for those guys with the shades and the hearing aids, though.
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Target: Davina McCall |
I quite liked her when she first appeared on some silly late-night show. Now she's completely over-reached herself, gurning on a BBC chat show, Davina (how original), that's supposed to be a rival to Parkinson but ends up being less fulfilling than Richard and Judy. Oh dear.
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Ey thank yaw.