Nice fantasy headline, huh?

Not 'Priceless', love. Worthless.

Now that he's home and safe, we feel we have to ask: Norman, what the hell did you think you were doing in Iraq in the first place?

Far more trouble than he's worth.

(Moore, Jim and Mary F)

A shrill buck-toothed has-been. Let's just make CERTAIN she never gets back on telly again.

(My words; nominated by Jim F)

Actually, Noel, no we HAVEN'T forgiven you for Mr Blobby yet. You'd better hope that suitcase is bulletproof.

(My words; nominated by Jim F)

Can someone tell me why this woman is in the public eye to start with? For shagging Bruce Willis? Well apart from that, she's a talent-free zone, too muscular to be sexy, arrogant and irritating. Get rid of her.

A two-for-one offer. Both are boring, pious, and incredibly self-important. And Paul just WILL NOT STOP bringing out new records, no matter how heavily we all hint. I reckon some seal hunter could get the two of them with one shot, and we could all give a huge collective sigh of relief.

(My words; nominated by Jim F)

Basic Instinct 2? Oh, please. Put 'em away, love.

Teeth too big. Arse too big. Voice too loud. Brain too small. (Moore F)

We admired the amusing and thoroughly British way in which he stood up for himself against the US Senate enquiry. But he threw it all away on Big Brother. What a twat. (Gary M)

Somebody, please, run him over when he's out on his Harley. Preferably with a lorry. Thanks. (Stef H)

Even she thinks she's a hypocrite. What she doesn't know is, she's not really that clever or insightful either. (Moore F)

Smug bitch. Her muffin recipe doesn't work. And far too much zest in everything. 45 minutes at Gas Mark 6 should do the job nicely. (Stef H and Rani C)

Dressing up as serious political debate that which is actually mindless thugishness and testosterone-fuelled racism. And now they've got a record label. A national embarrassment. Wankers.

She's both ugly and stupid, and takes up valuable column inches and airtime which could much better be filled with images of, ooh, shall we say Jaime Murray?

For obvious reasons. Watch out for those guys with the shades and the hearing aids, though.

I quite liked her when she first appeared on some silly late-night show. Now she's completely over-reached herself, gurning on a BBC chat show, Davina (how original), that's supposed to be a rival to Parkinson but ends up being less fulfilling than Richard and Judy. Oh dear.